I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
