Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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