I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
