some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He kissed a someone with a penis
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
