we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
