I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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