every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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