I think I died a long time ago.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
