my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
