I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Screwed.edu
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
