I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
