We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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