The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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