my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.