Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.