wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged