i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
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I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.