I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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