I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
