i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
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I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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