True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
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You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.