I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
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Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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