I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
