Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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