I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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