Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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