nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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