I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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