Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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