toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
