Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
