i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
