I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
