Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
