Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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