She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
