I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
