Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
