So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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