i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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