I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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