I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
