ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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