Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When are your genitals available?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
