Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I understand Curling. That high.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
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This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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