He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
