the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
