I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs