I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
