I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And my parents said I crawled through the house
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
