everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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