I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
