i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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