i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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