I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
