Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
