What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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