Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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