I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Randomize
