Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
