This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
